Monthly Archives: November 2014

Meeting Jay Park

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PLAYER: Why can’t I even steal a car? Again–play again.

ON SCREEN: Yeoksam-dong

Quest

VOICEOVER: Go to a club to enjoy some entertainment.

PLAYER: Gangnam also has low dogs. (PLAYER CHARACTER enters club) Ooh, the water’s fine.*

VOICEOVER: Would you like to go to a private room?

PLAYER: Private room. . . ?

PLAYER CHARACTER enters private room, followed by JAY PARK in stripper gear!

PLAYER: Oh, a man came in!

VOICEOVER: You can press the objects button to change the angle.

PLAYER presses button, sees close up of JAY PARK’s dancing nipples.

PLAYER: Ah! Dirty!

PLAYER CHARACTER leaves club

ON SCREEN:

Pocket money: $50

Host bar: $50

Remaining pocket money: $0

PLAYER: Strip clubs are not host bars!

 

* There’s some wordplay going on here: 하류 means lower class, but it also means downstream.

Viva the glorious people’s revolution!

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B.A.P is suing! B.A.P is suing! Yes! It’s Christmas in November at my house!

Why would they sue? As suspected, they are getting MAJORLY SCREWED. Look at that revenue split: $9 million for the company, $96,000 for the group as a whole–over three years. That’s a whopping 1.07% of the total, and it means that each year, each member made an average of $5,333!! It’s all in the accounting, baby!

You know, nothing makes me happier than when a bunch of apparently quiet, obedient, and complacent dudes turn out to have balls of brass. Go get ’em, B.A.P!

ETA: I know there’s some enthusiasm out there for B.A.P going to Seven Seasons, but given Seven Seasons’ size and origins, I wouldn’t say that’s terribly likely (although I definitely would like to see B.A.P wind up with a Seven Seasons-like management company). Whatever happens, I don’t think B.A.P will be hurting for suitors–as was the case with Block B, the hard work of taking the group from complete obscurity to money-making success has already been done.

Life as a tout

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Back to the translation!

 

ON SCREEN: (under fist–this indicates weapons available) Fist (above GTA Gangnam logo) Apgujeong Rodeo Drive

VOICEOVER: Move your car.

PLAYER (as PLAYER CHARACTER walks up to car): Tiko?* (PLAYER CHARACTER gets into car and drives off) This is a minicar!

ON SCREEN: Cheongdam-dong

VOICEOVER: At the salon, a number of different hairstyles are available.

PLAYER: You can look at different hairstyles?

VOICEOVER: Click to choose your hairstyle. Like an orange. Rocker. Sandara Park. Student studying abroad.**

PLAYER: Now Gangnam has given me hair like that of a student studying abroad.

ON SCREEN:

Pocket money     $50

Haircut     $30

Remaining pocket money     $20

PLAYER: Gangnam salons are too much!

ON SCREEN: Apgujeon Rodeo Drive

Quest

VOICEOVER: Today is flaming Friday.

ON SCREEN: (PLAYER CHARACTER looks at card in hand)

BOS NIGHTCLUB

Bottle service

Panchinko

(photo of Kim Minkyo, the actor in this skit)

MIN KYO

Psy: 010-4650-XXXX

VOICEOVER: Scatter promotional cards.

(PLAYER CHARACTER scatters cards, runs into car)

VOICEOVER: You have damaged a fancy import car.

LADY DRIVER: You XX!

PLAYER: What’s with this lady?

(PLAYER CHARACTER decks LADY DRIVER and steals her car)

PLAYER: Oh! It’s mine! Oh!

POLICE OFFICER: Car thief.

PLAYER: Oh! A police officer! A police officer! Get away!

VOICEOVER: Gangnam’s rush-hour traffic is at a complete standstill.

PLAYER: Such pointless realism!

POLICE OFFICER (putting handcuffs on PLAYER CHARACTER): Clicketty-click!

ON SCREEN:

Pocket money     $20

Bail     $50,000

Remaining pocket money     -$49,980

BANKRUPTCY

VOICEOVER: You are bankrupt.

 

* The Daewoo Tiko–a very cheap, very small car.

** On the screen, all these styles are followed by the word “hair.”

Second schedule up for “All Shook Up”!

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They’ve posted the second schedule for All Shook Up; I translated the first one here. [Note: The schedule has been updated; the most recent translation is here.]

The quick info: U-Kwon will perform Dec. 25 at 6 pm, Dec. 27 at 3 pm, Jan. 2 at 8 pm, Jan. 3 at 3 pm, and Jan. 4 at 2 pm.

And he’s sounding good!

The complete schedule:

kakaotalk_20141124_170430724

 Once again M = matinee; E = evening:

12/24 M  Dongjun (김동준)

12/24 E  Dongjun

12/25 M  Dongjun

12/25 E  U-Kwon

12/26  Son Ho Young (손호영)

12/27 M  U-Kwon

12/27 E  Son Ho Young

12/28 M  Son Ho Young

12/28 E  Son Ho Young

12/30  Dongjun

12/31 M  Son Ho Young

12/31 E  Son Ho Young

1/1  Son Ho Young

1/2  U-Kwon

1/3 M  U-Kwon

1/3 E  Dongjun

1/4 M  U-Kwon

1/4 E  Son Ho Young

1/6  Sandeul (산들)

1/7 M  Son Ho Young

1/7 E  Sandeul

1/8  Sandeul

1/9  Son Ho Young

1/10 M  Dongjun

1/10E  Son Ho Young

1/11 M  Son Ho Young

1/11 E  Son Ho Young

ETA: Then there’s this (watch it to the end):

The ability to completely ignore the other members is such an essential quality for every member of Block B.

Don’t get mad, get even

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So, I’ve been getting annoyed again at people who just CANNOT let “Tough Cookie” go.

Seriously, why are people so fucking bent over song lyrics? I mean, I understand not being in the mood for something and all that. But what gets me is this whole attitude that if a song has rough or objectionable lyrics, it means that the author is just a horrible, horrible person, and that anyone who has the audacity to enjoy it is every bit as bad.

Talk about your feel-good sanctimonious bullshit. And it is complete bullshit–an utter and irredeemable waste of time. People have been bitching about song lyrics not only my entire lifetime, but my dead elderly father’s entire lifetime.

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This dude thought that shit was totally lame.

Shitting your pants over song lyrics has never had any meaningful impact on society. “Listening to Elvis Will Make You Pregnant!” “Little Richard Promotes Indecency!” “‘Don’t Fear the Reaper’ Will Make You Commit Suicide!” “Songs by Zico Will Destroy Humanity!”

I feel like saying, these are fucking songs. They don’t make a difference–seriously, they don’t. Crawl down and write your Congressman instead about these issues that are so allegedly dear to you. (Do you even know who that is? Or is finding that out work, while whining on and on AND ON AND ON is fun for you?)

But why should I bother?

One thing I truly believe is that you should focus on what you can control (which, duuuhhhhhhhhh, is not the creative output of somebody else). Respect boundaries. Don’t focus on what other people do, focus on what you can do.

So, in that spirit, I have decided that whenever I read someone taking a shit all over Zico and “Tough Cookie” (and since I put haters on ignore, it’s not like I go looking for it), I will watch “Tough Cookie” ten times on YouTube. Twenty times if the person is particularly obnoxious.

I watch it on the Seven Season channel, I let the ads run uninterrupted, I watch on various devices, with volume up and detailed resolution, etc., etc.–all the stuff you need to do to make your view really count.

And, hey! Why should I limit this enlightened, stress-reducing coping strategy to me? Why not make it easy for other, equally annoyed people to take the wind out of some pretentious gasbag?

I’m all about the sharing. So, here is my very first YouTube playlist, entitled “Fxxx all the haters.” Play it whenever you are in the mood to, you know, fuck ’em. All.

ETA: While I’m at it, here’s a mix of many (but not all, because they’re not all on YouTube) of Zico’s “problematic” songs. Play them for anyone who thinks that all Korean media must be G-rated, because Koreans and their media exist only to serve the need of whiny, pearl-clutching Americans.

Picking a character

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Not much today because I’m busy and the next scene is pretty long.

SHOP OWNER’s ominous laughter echoes as PLAYER, now at home, loads GTA Gangnam

ON SCREEN: Grand Theft Autumn Gagnam

To start, press start button

PLAYER (starting game): Oh, wow, this is Apgujeong, isn’t it? This is really awesome!

ON SCREEN: Game voiceover by Seo Yuri

VOICEOVER: Choose your character. Nightclub tout.* Valet parking attendant. Psy.

PLAYER: Psy? I’ll try Psy.

VOICEOVER: Because he is busy with overseas activities, Psy is not available. (Psy dances off.)

PLAYER: If he’s not around, then why did you include him? Well, then, tout.

* The word for “tout” is censored on the screen (“삐X” instead of “삐끼”), although not bleeped. I’m assuming this is because touts often pass out flyers for unsavory things, such as prostitution.

Gangnam Style!

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OK, so I am on to my next translation: The SNL Korea skit GTA Gangnam!

This is actually the third GTA skit; if you want to see the first two with English subtitles, they are here. They are fairly raunchy, as is this one, so be warned. If you can’t be bothered to watch them, the important thing for this skit is that this guy (I’m going to call him PLAYER) keeps going into a game shop, where the SHOP OWNER keeps taking him into a dark room and giving him secret editions of Grand Theft Auto (called Grand Theft Autumn so that no one gets sued). In the first skit, the game was set in the Joseon era; the second was set during Japan’s World War II occupation of Korea.

Here’s the video for the third skit:

I’m going to translate about a minute at a time, like I did before, because that’s actually a lot of work for me, and if I save it all up for one long post, I’ll forget stuff.

 

PLAYER enters game shop, throws Resident Evil onto counter.

PLAYER: I finished it. You call this a game?

SHOP OWNER: Resident Evil is a masterpiece of masterpieces.

PLAYER: Ugh, you never give me anything decent to play.*

SHOP OWNER: What’s good lately is GTA.

PLAYER: GTA again. . . .

SHOP OWNER: Come with me!

PLAYER (grabs SHOP OWNER’s arm): What, I’m supposed to follow you wherever like a baby to where you’ve got GTA Gojoseon or something like that?

SHOP OWNER (laughs ominously): This time the setting is modern. Psy’s number-one top hit “Gangnam Style.” (the song starts to play) The whole world is focused on Gangnam. A quickie release: GTA Gangnam!

PLAYER: GTA Gangnam?

SHOP OWNER: If you don’t have fun with this one, you can smack me good!

PLAYER: Oh! I trust you.

 

*Boy, I hope that’s right–for whatever reason, this line was really hard to translate!