I can fix this!

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Adult content ahoy!

You know how the K-netz said they didn’t mind Sulli so much anymore now that they have Seolhyun to shit on for having a sex life? Well, apparently they have a lot of problems controlling their compulsions, because now they’re in a lather over this picture.

sulli-instagram

Is the problem that this picture of Sulli and Goo Hara sexy? Absolutely–I mean, no, of course not, netizens would never be that stupidly puritanical unless there are women involved.

No. The problem is that this picture is a “Lolita concept”! What is a “Lolita concept”? That’s what you say when you want to pretend that a picture of women in their 20s is child pornography.

How can netizens possibly look at this picture and see child pornography? Well, they’re VERY sensitiveThey are SO sensitive, in fact, that when they see two women huddling sexily in a shirt that says “Johnson’s baby oil” they think of babies–specifically of sex with babies–not, you know, of lube or anything vaguely normal like that.

Since the alternative is putting every butthurt Korean netizen on a sex-offender list–which might actually not be a bad idea, but it’s not something that I, personally, can do–I’m going to offer up some visual guides to help indicate what people who have not repressed their sexuality into something completely horrific and criminal might think of when they see this picture.

 ky

Lube

astro

Lube for buttsex

organic

Organic lube

evoo

Lube if you’re desperate and not worried about damaging a latex condom

pam

Lube if you’re desperate and not worried about damaging a latex condom, but the words “extra virgin” make you think about Things You Shouldn’t Think About

zogs

Not actually lube, but if you were a kid in the ’80s, you thought it was. NO DON’T THINK ABOUT KIDS!!!–JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

The first six months of 2016

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So is this a new thing? I don’t ever remember seeing a six-month Gaon chart before, but it’s entirely possible that I missed it.

Anyway, needless to say The Greater Block B Musical Complex was very much evident. So evident that a few songs that were actually released in 2015 are on this chart–which is quite an accomplishment, because most sales happen in the first few weeks of release. (I’ll mark those with a **.)

For singles:

5-“I Am You, You Are Me”
21-“Boys and Girls”**
27-“Eureka”**
29-“Toy”
40-“It Was Love” (Luna version)
73-“A Few Years Later”
78-“Inferiority Complex”
88-“Fear”**
99-“Okey Dokey”**

So, nine of the top 100 singles for the first six months of 2016 came from The Greater Block B Musical Complex, and four of them were not actually released in 2016.

For albums:

24-Blooming Period
88-Zico Special Edition

So, again: Not too shabby!

Good video, bad video

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Starting with the obnoxious: Taeil appeared on Inkigayo with three other notable K-Pop vocalists to do a really beautiful performance, which Inkigayo, in keeping with the high production quality typical of Korean music shows, managed to fuck up by playing part of Black Pink’s “Boombayah” over the beginning of the song.

That’s probably going to get yanked very soon (watch it here if it is), because instead of just clipping the first few seconds to remove the error, Inkigayo decided not to put this performance on YouTube.

Remember kids, whenever you make a mistake, the very best response is to scorch the Earth for miles around, so that no one will ever know that you’re human! And then they won’t bring up the fact that these “Voice of Inkigayo” things haven’t been going very well, largely because Inkigayo doesn’t seem to be very good at putting them together, so maybe fans shouldn’t put these shows and their crap production values and their fucking stupid trophies up on some kind of pedestal, OK?

Anyway, there is a fun video to be had in this post, taken by a fan at Zico’s Summersonic performance in Japan.

Yup! Into the crowd he goes at the 2:20 mark (security? who needs security?), and kudos to Millic there for going right in after him and letting Zico climb up on him! That man is a sport!

ETA: Here’s a closer shot.

#summersonic #zico

A video posted by Cici Ren (@ciciyam) on

At least there were those little fences. This time.

Living well is the best revenge

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The hilarious K-netz hate over Zico continues on Netizen Buzz, because Zico dared to post a picture of himself on Instagram!

YeLla #FXCD #gosharubchinskiy #isetan

A photo posted by 지아코 (@woozico0914) on

Yup, there he is, doing an event in Japan, looking like a dork, and just generally living his life the way he always does.

Which INFURIATES the haters!

All he knows is how to act like a tryhard because he thinks his skills and wealth can cover for the rest but he’s actually a pathetic coward on the inside with nothing to show

Fine, have some attention ㅋ He’s trying so hard to act like none of this affects him ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

He’d really be just some local thug if he wasn’t a singer[. . . .]

Yup, all he knows is how to, you know, do what he normally does and ignore the miserable haters and their pathetic hatred.

And they can’t stand it!!! Why isn’t he withdrawing from public life like they told him to? Why is he acting like they don’t exist!? Why is he such a thug!?! Why is he taking away their power!?!?!?!

AIIGH!!!!!!

Hm, let’s see if we can make them a little more crazy: Here are some fancams from the event!

See how happy and relaxed Zico looks as he is surrounded by his adoring fans–after that he’s got a couple of solo concerts in Japan, then back to Korea and his beautiful girlfriend, then a European tour with Block B, and then Korea again where presumably he’ll release another massive hit (sooner rather than later, if this is any guide)!

Did you know that “Boys and Girls” is still on Gaon, and “I Am You, You Are Me” jumped up 15 spots in the past week?

Zico’s life is going awesome right now!

Thanks for caring, assholes!

TROT! TROT! TROT!

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Yes! I had to do another presentation in Korean class, and this time I did my secret obsession–Korean trot music!

So, instead of making you guess what these videos were about (which I was seriously considering doing), I’ll translate and expand upon my class presentation. My expansions will include 1. videos I discovered in my research for this presentation but didn’t feel were necessary (I had to speak Korean, so I was motivated to keep it short), and 2. responses from both my classmates and my teacher.

A quick note on my teacher: She is a 50-something (DON’T ASK) woman who hails from Busan. She was strongly interested in linguistics, so she very carefully learned the Seoul dialect (yes, of course, she learned it far more carefully than the average Seoulite), but she considers herself definitely a gyopo. Part of her gyopo-ness is that she’s a little old-fashioned–terms like daebak annoy the fuck out of her, but what really annoys her is that These Koreans Nowadays feel like it’s OK to refer to their parents using banmal. (It is NOT OK. Also, you should get off her lawn.)

Funny bit: When I told my teacher I would be doing my presentation on trot music, she thought I said “trout music.”

On to the presentation!!!

If you didn’t know: Korean trot was developed in the early 20th century, and it is considered the first K-Pop. Trot is generally considered to consist of two element: A simple, 1-2 beat, and a distinctive singing style.

(Ooooh! First significant expansion! What non-Koreans usually notice with trot singing is that they use a lot of vibrato–and it’s true, they do. But, according to my Korean teacher, what Korean regard as distinctive about trot singing is its use of 꺽임 (kkeok-im)–vocal slides.)

The 1-2 beat and the name “trot” comes from the American dance foxtrot.

Lucky you, here you get to watch professionals do it. In class, I did it. (Classmate reaction: Utter shock. Some may have died.)

Anyway, you’ll notice that foxtrot follows a 1-2 beat–step, step, step-step (which you have to get in quick before beat #2 arrives). Foxtrot was SUPER popular in the United States at the turn of the century because 1. not dancing back then was like not using social media these days–how, exactly, did you plan on making friends or finding a spouse?–and 2. it was an easy dance. Really, really easy.

To make it even easier, foxtrot music had a clear and simple 1-2 beat. Here’s an American foxtrot song!

Just say, hanna, dul. I can’t do it for you.

Around about the same time in Japan, a musical style called enka became popular. (No, I didn’t get into the occupation–remember how I had to do this all in Korean?)

Pretty much foxtrot beat + enka singing style = Korean trot.

There are fast and lively Korean trot songs as well. (This song was both wildly popular and wildly parodied. When I played it, my Korean teacher burst out laughing.)

So, the whole Tragic Decline of Trot I didn’t get much into in class, but rest assured, in the 1990s trot was NOT a hip genre. For a while there, the most successful trot performer was this guy–yes, all of his songs sound like this, plus he usually sang nonsense.

The person generally credited with saving trot from complete camp obscurity was Jang Yoon Jeong. She was young and cute, and she managed to prove that you didn’t have to be an old lady in a long sparkly dress to sing trot. (I know she doesn’t really do trot vocals in this clip, but she does with slower songs.)

(Sounds like polka, right? A lot of music we would consider to be from different genres just kind of gets absorbed into the trot scene in Korea.)

Now we’re getting into a lot of stuff I really didn’t want to get into during the (in Korean!!!) presentation. These days trot is no longer this obscure genre. (OK, I did pretty much say that.)

There is pure trot (plus trot purists) on Korean television.

And camp trot is alive and well.

But what I find interesting (and what made it into my presentation) is trot fusion. Here’s a trot-dance song.

Trot-rap also exists. Apropos of nothing, barring people from embedding videos is really obnoxious, especially when they have class presentations to do, but here’s U-Kwon doing Country Kko Kko’s “Oh Happy!” (the original exists, but the quality is shit).

And here’s FT Island doing a trot-rock song (which really excited my teacher for some reason–I think she’s in the Rock Is So Cool! generation).

And that was that!

Interesting, but not shocking

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An eagle-eyed Pann poster (I guess they’re not all crazy) noticed that Ten’s initial performance for Hit the Stage was edited together from at least two different performances.

And they’re right: His choker and bracelet appear and disappear during the performance, especially during the backbends. (The mist isn’t consistent, either.)

see it

Now you see it…

Screen Shot 2016-08-15 at 7.03.24 PM

now you don’t.

I’m going to hazard from the audience reaction that Ten pulled the moves off just fine during the performance, and I’d guess from the camera angles that Hit the Stage reshot the dance because they didn’t get close shots of his backbends during the original performance. (I knew a guy in college who wound up on a reality show and wrote about it–he said they had to go through doorways five or six times every fucking time so the show could get all the necessary shots.)

But this should serve as yet another reminder that reality television is NOT reality. What you are seeing on the screen could very well be quite different from what the audience saw in the studio.

Now it’s pure comedy

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I know I shouldn’t, and I know I’ve already said–twice!–that I wouldn’t post any more about this, but I couldn’t resist looking at Netizen Buzz’ morerecent translations of K-netz’ Zico/Seolhyun hate, and they’re hilarious.

They’re definitely something that can be safely ignored–as expected, the hate is becoming more and more fringe-y and disconnected from reality, which means that it’s the same people it always is, and that they will be every bit as effective as they always are.

But again, the comments are just hysterically funny!

In general, I’m amused at people’s objections to the fact that Seolhyun went to Zico’s apartment. Like, oh my God, why would she do that?

12시에 집에있다니… .. . #relaxation #rest #basecamp #daily

A photo posted by 지아코 (@woozico0914) on

Zico’s apartment. Roommates: 0

AOA’s dorm. Roommates: 6, not counting managers

You figure it out.

As for specific comments, here’s a good one:

The thing that was stupid about Zico was that his attempt at trying to survive this scandal by leaving Seolhyun out to dry just improved Seolhyun’s image whereas his own image is trashed now ㅋㅋㅋ

Um, yeah. Well, in all sincerity, I do hope that the haters will latch onto Zico and leave Seolhyun alone, because she’s a normal idol and more vulnerable to this kind of thing than he is. Honestly, though, I think the haters are more into trashing everyone, because they are terrible people.

But acting like this could seriously damage Zico? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

How?

Is his label going to drop him? Oh, fuck NO.

Do his female fans care? Not really–a few apparently were upset to discover that he’s not actually going to marry them, but again, he hasn’t marketed himself that way, so that’s a minority. And they certainly don’t care about yet another stupid fucking netizen hate campaign–I mean, seriously, I’ve pretty much lost count at this point.

wheat-free-rice-crust-pizza

But I will NEVER FORGET!

Do his male fans care? Let’s try to look at this from the heterosexual male perspective: Average-looking guy bags super-hot chick.

OK, I had to stop to laugh for a bit. Unless they were planning to marry Seolhyun, men are NOT going to have a problem with this.

Let’s put it this way: Do you ever wonder why the guys in porn usually look pretty average (aside from their dicks), while the women usually look pretty…extraordinary? Do you ever wonder why nerdy guys in comic books always bag Miss Universe?

Or let’s do the flip side: Do you ever wonder why women in romance novels are typically such zeros? Or why the heroines in K-Dramas are usually poor and not very accomplished, while the two guys fighting to marry them are both fabulously wealthy with incredible careers, and handsome as fuck on top of it?

Yeah–the average Korean guy on the street is pumping his fist for Zico. Why? Because he is living the average person’s fantasy.

Let’s put it this way: If you really want to meet a Korean guy in real life and Dynamic Duo comes to you city, go there. There will be tonof Korean guys, and they all love Choiza to death–you know, ugly, old Choiza who is dating pretty, young Sulli (gasp!) who is SO far out of his league it’s just unbelievable!!!!

Why? Because for guys, Choiza and now Zico are living the fucking dream.

Will this hate campaign even hurt Zico’s feelings?

Screen Shot 2016-08-15 at 1.53.26 PM 1

Screen Shot 2014-11-10 at 7.35.31 PM

At this point I think his coping strategies are pretty solid.

Funny comment #2:

I remember Seolhyun was crying during her history scandal but that was just an act and then she went to go hang out at Zico’s house

This is maybe even more awesome than the previous comment, because according to FNC’s statement, the primary reason Zico and Seolhyun’s relationship moved forward and she quit saying no is because of all the horrible hate she was getting for her history screw-up.

And Zico was just the guy to help her out and help her put it in perspective, because there is a very dedicated cadre of haters who have been trying to take him down for years, and he has only gotten more popular!

So, yeah, miserable hater, the toxic environment you have created and fostered in the K-Pop scene helped bring these two lovers together. Ironic, isn’t it? It’s almost like, if you have the right mentality, you can make a lotus blossom in a puddle of shit, isn’t it?

Oooh…life lesson…which I’m sure will be ignored, because oh my God these people.